gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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