i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
