Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
