he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
