That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
