when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
