Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
