ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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