Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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