He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
