Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
