I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
