1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
