I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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