considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
