Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
