I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
