i would punch a child for taco bell
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
