does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
