Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
