I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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