dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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