I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
