my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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