My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
