only you would photoshop your dick
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
