I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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