Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
