The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
