Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
