i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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