No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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