All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
