hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
