remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
