God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
