Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Randomize
