Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
