you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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