So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
