Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
