he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
