The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
