Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
