If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
