it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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