I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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