I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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