don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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