planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
