your parents love me but you hate me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
