I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
