Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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