listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
