he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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