so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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