i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
