Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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